Do you find yourself cycling between anxiety and depression?
Does it feel like you “only just” manage to get through a variety of anxiety-inducing experiences, never really feeling comfortable, always on edge like it never gets easier? And then, the one time that you do fall short (because all humans fall short some of the time), it feels like the end of the world, like you have just “proved” your worst fears and beliefs true.
Well fear not because internationally renowned, Oxford based CBT therapist and trainer Dr Melanie Fennel has designed a CBT model and treatment plan that can help overcome this burdensome and pervasive condition. I am lucky enough to have met Melanie on a number occasions, I have been trained in LSE by her and I have even been asked by her to teach her LSE model to others and the rest of this blog explains a little bit more about this common problem and what you can do about it.
At the core of low self-esteem lies what Dr. Fennell calls the 'Bottom Line'. This is a deeply held, negative belief you have about your fundamental self, often formed early in life. It acts like a cracked lens, distorting how you see yourself and your experiences. This belief usually takes the form of a short, absolute statement, such as:
"I am worthless."
"I am unlovable."
"I am a failure."
This 'Bottom Line' feels like an undeniable fact, and it silently works to filter your experiences to ensure its own validation and survival.
To prevent the pain of the 'Bottom Line' from being exposed, people develop a set of rigid 'Rules for Living'. These are demanding commands you place on yourself to keep the core fear from being activated and flooding your nervous system. They often sound like this:
"I must always put others first and never say no."
"I must be perfect in everything I do."
"If I avoid new challenges, then I cannot fail."
These, well-meaning, rules create immense pressure. They are often impossible to follow perfectly, and set you up for a recurring sense of failure and anxiety. Not only are they ineffective, but they backfire and, ultimately, keep the problem going.
When a situation puts your rules to the test, it triggers a predictable and powerful vicious cycle.
A trigger occurs (e.g., you're asked for your opinion in a meeting).
Your 'Bottom Line' is activated, causing intense anxiety and thoughts like “I am going to make a mistake”
You engage in unhelpful behaviours (e.g., staying quiet or apologising for your idea). These attempts to stay safe have the unintended consequence of failing to give a clear succinct answer.
Afterwards, you enter a "post-mortem" phase, where you critically analyse what happened. Judging and labelling yourself unkindly. Even when things might go OK, your negative bias means you dismiss any positives ("They were just being polite") and magnify any perceived negatives.
The result? Your 'Bottom Line' is confirmed once more: "See, I knew I was a failure." This reinforces the belief, strengthening the cycle for the next time.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) provides a structured, evidence-based roadmap to break this cycle. It is an active therapy where we work together to:
Identify your specific 'Bottom Line' and the 'Rules for Living' that are holding you back.
Challenge these old, unhelpful beliefs by examining the actual evidence from your life.
Develop a new, more balanced, realistic and compassionate beliefs about yourself.
Test these new beliefs through practical, real-world experiments that build lasting confidence.
This process empowers you to systematically dismantle the old structure of low self-esteem and build a new, resilient foundation of self-worth.
Understanding this cycle is a crucial first step, but insight alone is often not enough to create change. Taking action with the right support is what makes the difference.
If you recognise yourself in this pattern you may want to read more about it and highly recommend Melanie’s bestselling book on the subject:
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques, Dr. Melanie Fennell
And, if you are wanting more support then I am here to help.
Contact me today to book a free, no-obligation 15-minute consultation. I offer a safe and welcoming space for therapy. If you're local to Wallingford, Oxford, Abingdon, Didcot or the surrounding areas, we can meet in person, or we can connect with confidential online sessions, available across the UK